Survivors Stories

TheBigGive
Survivors Stories

Trigger warning: stories contain references to themes of domestic and sexual abuse which some individuals may find distressing.

Tanya’s story – I left my abusive partner, who we share a 4-year-old daughter. I was concerned that he was turning our daughter against me when he had contact with her. She would return following contact with him and would be angry and hostile. I believed I could protect her from this emotional abuse by allowing him full custody and have no further contact with her.

During my support from BWP, I was encouraged to reflect on my decision and came to understand that my ex-partner may continue to badmouth me to our daughter in my absence. I also spent time considering that he was not a warm and responsive father but was quite negligent and selfish. We also discussed the possible rejection my daughter may feel knowing I had, in effect, given her up without understanding the selflessness of my decision. Following these chats with my worker, I committed to renewing contact with her. I was relieved I had the opportunity to discuss all aspects of the choices I had made and the implications that came with them, without any judgement or pressure.

I know now I was experiencing post-separation abuse. I had residency of my children, and my ex-partner was not allowed contact due to the severity of his abuse. He then made false allegations about me that were investigated by social care.  He was also harassing me by sending abusive and threatening emails. I was supported by BWP to report this harassment to the police.

My worker completed a safety plan with me and they referred me to the sanctuary scheme, so I was better protected at home and I felt safer. Following social care’s intervention and assessments, my ex-partner was denied access to the children.

I attended The Survivor’s Programme that I found incredibly helpful in my recovery. I go to wellbeing groups with BWP and feel so much more positive about my future.

Bina’ s story – ‘’After I fled my husband I felt completely alone and devastated. Not sure how to cope, another organisation directed me to BWP. I felt so relieved upon contacting them. My worries, fears and concerns were heard. Immediately, I was introduced to the support available (food packs, wellbeing sessions, Christmas gifts, counselling, writing workshops, trip opportunities, etc) and directed to the correct places. I was contacted regularly by the outreach team who gave me a shoulder to lean on.

Even today, I continue to rely on BWP for support because even after 8 years, my ex and his family still are trying to annihilate me in any way possible. It recently got too much and knowing BWP would be there for me, I turned to them for support. They stuck with me, and offered me all the help I needed. Words are not enough to express my gratitude to BWP. They’ve been my pillar in this tough battle I faced and continue to experience; they are my only family in this treacherous journey of mine. Without them it would’ve been impossible for me to sustain myself and survive physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, morally and financially. Their support is truly amazing, and I am eternally grateful.’’

Marlene’s Story – ‘‘I was 83 when I contacted BWP, my husband abused me throughout our marriage. I also experienced abuse from my stepson. My husband had firearms in our home and he was financially and emotionally abusing me. I spent many years petrified and feared for my life. BWP did a safety plan with me and the police were informed about the firearms.

I wanted to flee and was supported by the outreach team to access my own independent living accommodation. They put me in touch with Citizen’s advice so that I could claim the right benefits I was entitled to. My worker sorted funding to pay to pay for my carpet which helped so much because I suffer with severe arthritis.

They helped me settle into my new home and to set up accounts that I needed. They helped me to manage my finances as I had ever been allowed to do this before. I found freedom finally.’’

Sarah’s Story – “I often wish I’d stayed with Harry. Although living with him was torture, the post separation abuse he subjected me to was so much worse. When we were together, he’d manipulate me by being either nice or disappointed in me. When he was disappointed, he still pretended to be nice. His method of control was very clever and so subtle that even now I struggle to acknowledge it was coercive control. Everything he did was carefully planned and fine-tuned. I became his agreeable puppet, too scared of his disappointment to behave in any way that may risk triggering this. I learnt never to express an opinion that might differ with his, it became safer to wait for his lead on everything. When disappointed in me, he’d withdraw eye contact, somehow look through me, change his tone of voice to a slightly more monotone one. He would physically withdraw too, being sure to sit a distance away from me and lie on the edge of the bed at night as if repulsed by my proximity to him. This behaviour could go on for days and it tortured me to the point that I became consumed with pleasing him.

A culmination of events led to me leaving Harry, my decision, my choice. On this occasion I didn’t wait for his permission. During one of his extended periods of disappointment with me, I began a relationship with a work colleague. I blame myself bitterly for not being strong enough to just tell Harry I’d had enough and wanted to leave. I was a coward and he had every right to be angry with me. It’s not as if he was properly abusive either, if he’d assaulted me this would have been a different matter, I could have claimed to have been too scared to tell him of my intentions.

Harry started a campaign on social media to run me down, wreck my friendships and destroy my reputation. He’s been very successful at this and still is. Everyone seems to sympathise with a man who has been wronged by a promiscuous woman. Harry initially purported to be heartbroken by my action and generated a lot of attention from this. When he had gathered support from various people including those who I’d considered my friends, his tactics turned more hostile. He phoned me one day and threatened revenge porn – ‘to prove to everyone what a slag you are Sarah’ he told me. This terrified and worried me, but then that same day he purported that I’d threatened him with revenge porn in a Facebook post. ‘To all my loyal fiends, it hurts and embarrasses me to say this but I need to pre-empt what Sarah might do. Because I refused to take her back, she told me she will upload some intimate images of me online. This is very distressing for me, but I think it best that I let you all know what might be coming.’

I was horrified and immediately started getting messages from ‘friends’ telling me stop what I was doing to Harry, that I needed to accept he didn’t want me back and to move on. This abuse continued on various social media platforms, accusing me of controlling him throughout our relationship, being completely selfish and self-obsessed and making him feel scared and desperate.

I lost friends, Amy, who I’d known for 20 years decided to side with Harry. She told me he loved me and didn’t deserve to be treated so badly. Family members judged and doubted me, this made me judge and doubt myself. I became very anxious and low, this started to affect my work and it culminated in me taking an extended amount of time off sick. I lost confidence in feeling able to trust people and withdrew socially.

Harry’s abuse continued despite me pleading with him to stop, but it became more subtle in nature, more about him being wounded and hurt than overt attacks on me. I guess he was mindful of the balance of wanting to appear as the victim and not the abuser. He fine-tuned this pretty well. I don’t feel as if I can ever escape him. I have taken myself off all social media platforms, but friends still update me about what he’s been saying, I wish they wouldn’t. It’s been six months since I left but I’m feeling worse than ever.”

My recovery: “I’ve made a lot of progress when I look back on the two years since I left Harry. I now have just three very good friends who I know I can rely on and trust. The others I had to distance myself from – the ‘friends’ who were constantly updating me about what Harry was saying about me. I don’t think they were bad people, but they sided with Harry and I realised I wasn’t prepared to explain myself to anyone who didn’t believe me.

I’ve had to work on my self-esteem and get to a point where I’m less concerned about the judgment of others. Learning to self-validate and to have an inner sense of belief in myself has been liberating. People will still, occasionally make snide comments about me but I’m so much less affected by this now. I know that I suffered coercive control, that I was in a terrible situation. I still wish I’d had the courage to tell Harry that I wanted to leave, but I’m at peace with my actions now. I don’t blame myself for the affair.

I wish I’d never experienced what I did, but out of the pain has come self-discovery and self-compassion. I’m much kinder to myself now and much less likely to be affected by the negative judgments of others. I still have days when I feel low and dwell on the past, but these days are becoming fewer. My focus is more on the future and possibilities that lie ahead.”

Chloe’s story – BWP have been an amazing support since I finally plucked the courage up to leave my violent relationship after 8 and a half years. I was scared, had barriers up and didn’t know who to turn to or trust. BWP with their meet ups/events have really helped me through some very tough times, not just me but my family too. I’m 3 years free from an abusive relationship and BWP are still there for me every step of the way. The courses ran by BWP, I have met such a lovely group of women who were going through the same stages I was, just the fact knowing there was others out there helped me so much. It actually opened my eyes to alot of things I had brushed aside during my relationship which actually were types of abuse. Realising there are so many different forms of abuse, knowing so many people from all ages that are being affected daily, some who have no support bar BWP.

They really are amazing. The Wellbeing team check in on me and the girls, even if I don’t respond or having a bad time they still reach out and for that I honestly can’t thank you enough or show you just how much having someone to rely on has helped me out.

Rosie’s story – I was in a relationship with my abusive partner on and off for 14 years. I felt I couldn’t get out and I reached breaking point. My abuser would act extremely possessive and jealous towards me and would often assault me when I spoke to other males in social settings.

I was petrified of him and afraid if I tried to leave, he would try to kill me again. He had previously been to prison for threatening to burn my room and had also tried to strangle me. He was a heavy drinker, and the abuse got worse when he was under the influence.

BWP had helped me before, but I contacted them again for support with leaving. I was so scared because I didn’t want the abuse to get worse. My worker did an assessment with me and my case was deemed high-risk due to the coercive control, physical abuse, threats to kill and digital abuse.

My worker helped me understand that I had a strong ‘Trauma Bond’ with him, and I felt like I couldn’t leave or fully get away from him. I was very low in my mental health and felt totally hopeless. My ex lived close by to my home and when I told him the relationship was over, he continued to be digitally abusive, for example he would post vile and vindictive statements about me on social media and send me threatening and emotionally abusive text messages. My worker encouraged me to block him as the messages would trigger me and have a negative impact on my mental state.

I struggled with a deep sense of guilt and shame, often blaming myself for the abuse over the years and I felt I had wasted a lot of her life. When my case was heard at MARAC, some more things were put in place to help. My worker made a referral to the sanctuary scheme which harden-proofed my home and helped me feel more secure.

At first, I didn’t want to apply for a Non-Molestation Order because I was afraid this would trigger my abuser to target me again as he had little to no respect for the law. After a series of supportive and empowering supportive sessions, I built the strength to recognise my worth, create new boundaries, see the impacts the abuse has been having on me and understand what a trauma bond is and how to work through this.

I received more threatening voicemail messages from him even though I had blocked him. I reported this to the police and after more manipulation, I decided that liaising with a solicitor regarding my legal options would be very helpful. I obtained a Non-Molestation Order against him which prohibits him from abusing me and was valid for 1 year.

I have since had no further contact from him and am starting to rebuild my life again. My case is closed with BWP, but I know I can always link back in with them whenever I need the support.

Every day, we work tirelessly to support survivors of domestic abuse and help them, along with their children, rebuild their lives. Now, we have an incredible opportunity to make an even greater impact — and we need your help.

Click here to donate between 8 October 2025 to midday on 15 October 2025, every donation made to us through our page on The Big Give website will be DOUBLED!