It Ends with No. It Starts with Men.

Trigger Warning:
This blog discusses themes of domestic abuse, trauma, and the portrayal of sensitive issues in media. Reader discretion is advised, as some content may be distressing. If these topics are triggering, please proceed with caution or consider reaching out to our support resources.

It Ends with us No. It Starts with us Men. 

The Sunday Times bestselling novel It Ends with Us by Colleen Hoover, now adapted into a major film, has been shown in cinemas worldwide. This much-anticipated adaptation has been marketed as a frilly, light-hearted, feel-good romance suitable for a casual outing with friends or a date night. However, the actual storyline diverges sharply, delving into the painful trauma of domestic abuse, with minimal trigger warnings or publicity about its serious themes. This being said, as more viewers see the film, concerns have emerged regarding its portrayal of such a sensitive issue. While the story may strike an emotional chord, its representation of abuse—and particularly the dynamics of a support system—falls short of reflecting the harsh realities many survivors face. 

At its core, It Ends with Us tells the story of Lily Bloom, a woman who finds herself trapped in an abusive relationship with her husband, Ryle Kincaid. Though the film touches on key moments of physical and emotional abuse, it presents these scenes with a certain gloss that softens the stark brutality of such experiences. There’s a romantic undertone woven into Lily and Ryle’s relationship that accompanies the abuse, making it seem like an unfortunate mistake rather than a deeply harmful, systemic issue. 

Domestic abuse is often characterised by cycles of control, manipulation, violence, and also loving behaviour which It Ends with Us somewhat acknowledges. But in real life, there is rarely a clear-cut, linear path to healing or escape. Many victims feel trapped, both emotionally and financially, in relationships that they can’t easily leave, and the film skates over these complexities in favour of a more digestible, Hollywood-friendly narrative. 

One of the film’s major pitfalls is the unrealistic portrayal of Lily’s support system. In It Ends with Us, Lily is surrounded by a loving, supportive circle of friends and family, particularly her sister-in-law, Alyssa. Alyssa is shown as a source of unwavering strength, despite being Ryle’s sister, and her involvement suggests a clean division between family loyalties and personal morality. While the film portrays this as an inspiring example of female solidarity, it overlooks the intricacies that often come into play when familial ties are involved in abusive relationships. 

The romantic storyline centres on the idea of a knight in shining armour— Lily’s former boyfriend, Atlas, who comes to rescue her from her struggles, particularly in the context of domestic abuse. The character of Atlas embodies the archetype of the rescuer. He represents hope, safety, and a way out of an impossible situation. This portrayal can be comforting, suggesting that a partner will swoop in to save the day. However, in reality, this is a highly unlikely scenario. Relying on a partner for salvation can create dependency, rather than empowering the victim to find their own strength and resources. This dynamic can reinforce the belief that a woman’s worth is tied to her relationship status or her partner’s willingness to rescue her, rather than her own agency. 

In real life, abusers often isolate their victims from any form of support, either by creating emotional distance between the victim and their loved ones or by manipulating relationships to minimise outside interference. Friends and family members may also struggle to intervene out of fear, denial, or even misguided loyalty to the abuser. In cases where the abuser is a sibling, as in this film, it’s even more unlikely that a supportive figure like Alyssa would play such a prominent role. Often, family members are caught in an uncomfortable middle ground, unsure of how to respond or unwilling to confront their own complicity in the situation. 

This distortion of the family dynamic gives audiences the impression that it’s easy for victims to find support in their immediate circles, which is often far from true. Many  

survivors of abuse report feeling completely alone, without anyone to turn to for help. The film’s depiction oversimplifies the complexity of these relationships, making it seem as though the only obstacle a victim faces is leaving the abuser, rather than also battling the isolation and confusion created by the abuse itself. 

While it’s crucial to tell stories about domestic abuse in mainstream media, these stories need to reflect the complex reality of abuse dynamics. It Ends with Us tries to balance a message of hope and resilience with the difficult subject matter, but in doing so, it ends up distorting some of the usual realities about abuse. The film suggests that escape is possible if you have supportive friends and family around you, but the reality for many survivors is that they don’t have such a luxury. Often, they are left to navigate their trauma largely alone, with abusers carefully controlling the narrative and dismantling any potential support system. 

In minimising the common isolating effects of domestic abuse, It Ends with Us risks misinforming its audience about the nature of these relationships. This can be harmful for those who may not understand why victims stay, or for those who are seeking empathy and validation but don’t recognise their own experiences in the film. If someone sees the movie and compares it to their own life, they may feel that their struggle is less valid because they don’t have the strong, supportive community depicted in the film.  

The Responsibility of Storytelling 

Films have a powerful role in shaping public perceptions, and when it comes to sensitive topics like domestic abuse, that responsibility is even greater. It Ends with Us could have been a much-needed exploration of the real, painful complexities of domestic abuse. Instead, it sanitises the situation with an unrealistic support network and a somewhat romanticised view of abuse, undermining the true depth of this issue. 

The film has undeniable emotional impact, but that impact could have been even stronger if it had embraced the raw, difficult truths of domestic abuse. As we move forward, it’s essential that filmmakers and storytellers who tackle such subjects do so with the nuance and realism that these stories deserve—because real lives are at stake. 

Colleen Hoover’s sequel novel, “It Starts with Us,” continues the story from “It Ends with Us,” and includes a romantic subplot that emphasises the theme of finding love after trauma. While love can be a powerful source of healing, the notion that a new partner will automatically provide the emotional safety and support needed can be misleading. Survivors often need time to heal and regain their sense of self before entering new relationships. 

The risk of jumping into a new romance too soon is that it can lead to repeating unhealthy patterns or becoming vulnerable to further emotional harm. By romanticising this aspect of the healing process, the story may downplay the importance of self-reflection and personal growth that many survivors need before embracing a new relationship. 

I am hopeful that if there is a film adaptation, it will capture the reality of leaving an abusive relationship and the dynamics of post separation abuse.  

White Ribbon Day 2024: It Starts with MEN. 

White Ribbon is the UK’s leading charity engaging men and boys to end violence against women and girls. They work with men and boys to change long-established, and harmful, attitudes, systems and behaviours around rigid gender norms and masculinity that perpetuate inequality and violence. White Ribbon day is on 25th November, and this year the theme is ‘It starts with Men’. 

Being a White Ribbon Ambassador or Champion is an effective and meaningful way to further your commitment to ending men’s violence against women and girls. Find out more by visiting https://www.whiteribbon.org.uk/wrd24  

Blog by Alice Bates 

Development Officer for Broxtowe Women’s Project, a domestic abuse charity based in Nottinghamshire who provide support and advice to women and children. To find out more about the project visit https://broxtowewp.org/