Triggering messages in post-separation abuse

Are you triggered by his communications?

A common issue in post-separation abuse is that women are often ‘triggered’ by text or email exchanges with their former partner who is still seeking to abuse them.

The ideal situation once the relationship with an abusive man has ended, is to walk away and never communicate with him again. It’s often, but not always, the sharing of children that forces women to have ongoing communication with their abuser.

With written communications by text, WhatsApp, email or letter, women are often seriously ‘triggered’ to be fearful and anxious.

The words might be overtly hostile and angry, or sometimes more calculatingly covert and subtle. On occasions the written communications might be perfectly polite and reasonable – abusive men are highly practiced at turning the abuse on and off, the intermittency a deliberate attempt to confuse. And even when there is no hostility in the message, just the notification ping that a message has arrived can induce fear and panic in the survivor before the message is even opened.

Mia’s story

“My phone was like an unexploded bomb waiting to be detonated. Not knowing quite when his messages might arrive induced in me a weary, apprehensive anticipation. Sometimes I’d silence it, but I’d feel forced to check, just in case it was my elderly mother needing assistance. I felt tempted to smash it, but I knew that wouldn’t solve the problem either.

“When I heard the ping of a text, my body would be flooded with panic. My heart would race and my palms would feel sweaty. Often his messages would be innocuous, but I’d read his words as anxiously as if he was being hostile. Just the reminder of him triggered intense feelings in me that immediately transported me back to past times when I lived in constant fear. Following a message from him, I would feel the need to ‘bury’ it immediately by messaging 6 of my friends to say ‘how are you?’ just so that I couldn’t see his name on the first page of my WhatsApp screen.

“I felt physically safe since we’d separated, my sister dealt with handing over the children, but my phone was destroying my life and I had no idea how to eliminate his continued toxic influence.”

Mia’s experience is very common in the women I support. Whether the communications are openly hostile, sarcastic, blaming or even non-offensive, women regularly suffer a huge amount of anxiety when dealing with such messages in the context of post-separation abuse.   Even when the messages aren’t hostile, just the reminder of him can trigger a very strong emotional response that can take all day or even longer to recover from. When ‘nice’ messages are sent amongst the hostile ones, women can feel conflicted and begin questioning if he really was abusive – this can lead to self-blame.

There is much that can be done to lessen the negative impact for women. These are some of the strategies that have helped women that I support:

Remember that you control your emotions, not him.

For the remainder of this blog, please visit Sandra’s own website 

Blog written by BWP Outreach Worker, Sandra Reddish.

Buy Sandra’s Books & Support BWP

Sandra hopes to reach thousands more women by sharing her wisdom in a her books One in Four Women and Beyond the Break-up, both of which are available on Amazon.

In these self-published books, Sandra shares her incredible knowledge of the vital steps to recovery for women who have been abused. Starting with their gaining a solid understanding of the complexity of abuse they’ve faced, and the perpetrator’s behaviour and moving onto understanding the issues facing survivors once the relationship ends.

Sandra very kindly donates the proceeds from the sale of these fantastic books to BWP, which we are really grateful for. Thank you Sandra!

If you have found this blog useful, and would like to support BWP in our work supporting survivors of Domestic Abuse, you can donate to us today.  You can also comment or share this blog on social pages – tagging us in. www.twitter.com/broxtowewomen or Facebook.

You may also want to read these further blogs from Sandra.

• Regaining control following Domestic Abuse
• Post separation abuse by social media 
• Domestic Abuse and its impact on mothering
• When he uses the child to abuse you.
• Stalking, harassment, electronic monitoring and Domestic Abuse – and how to stay safe.
• Incels – Misogyny at its Worst.
• Sexual Abuse in Intimate Relationships.
• From historic patriarchy to toxic shame. Why do men become domestic abusers?
• Abusive Persuasion – guilt tripping, persuasive and manipulative tactics seen in Domestic Abuse.
• It’s not your fault. Self-blame and domestic abuse.
• Trauma bonding – why you can’t stop loving the narcissist.
• Is narcissism making you suffer? Discover the key signs of this manipulative abuse.
• It’s not your fault. Self blame and Domestic Abuse.
• How to improve your self-esteem after abuse
• Do you still care what he thinks of you even though you’ve left? – Broxtowe Women’s Project (broxtowewp.org)
• Relationship boundaries and the damage done by Domestic Abuse

Contact us

If any of this sounds familiar to you, you live in Broxtowe, Nottingham, and you think you would benefit from our help, please give us a call on 01773 719111 or email enquiries@broxtowewp.org