The use of Language in Domestic Abuse

“I spent my whole adult life trying to name what we lived through. There were no words for these acts. Eventually, we found them: coercive control.” – David Challen

David Challen was very familiar with the patterns of abuse his mother was subjected to by his father while he was growing up – the constant control, insults and manipulation. However he had no language to describe what was happening so the situation left him in a state of confusion and with no clear understanding that his father’s behaviour was abusive. It wasn’t until after his mother, Sally had killed his father Richard by hitting him repeatedly with a hammer, that he began to appreciate the torment his mother had been enduring. And it wasn’t until 2019 when his mother’s conviction for murder was overturned in favour of manslaughter, that he properly understood that his father’s abuse constituted coercive control.

Why is it that such a devastating but common issue as domestic abuse is wrapped up in language that isn’t widely understood? It’s not just professionals and academics who need to understand domestic abuse – it’s everyone! Survivor’s need to be able to name what they’re being subjected to, their family and friends need to understand what’s happening too, and the language used to describe abuse is pivotal to this understanding. It’s often the case that we are unable to fully perceive something until we have the language for it – language shapes perception and helps us to notice and understand what is happening.

Problems with the term ‘domestic violence’

The term domestic violence has always been problematic. The word violence implies the use of physical violence. A similar term is intimate partner violence – again implying the need for a physical element to the abuse. This is not helpful because it encourages the belief that only physical abuse is wrong, neglecting the many other forms of abuse such as economic, abuse, harassment and stalking. The term domestic abuse is becoming more commonly used, especially amongst professionals in recognition of the fact that there are many forms of domestic abuse – including coercive control that became criminalised in 2015. However it seems to be taking time for the word ‘abuse’ to replace ‘violence’ and because of this, many survivors do not identify that what is happening to them is wrong. It’s so important that we drop the use of the term violence which is so exclusionary and unhelpful.

“Asking clients – Is there someone in your life making you afraid or controlling what you do or say? Promises an even more profound awakening than asking women about violence.” – Evan Stark.

The need for clear language to describe covert forms of abuse

Not only are many forms of domestic abuse nonphysical, several forms of abuse are also exceptionally subtle, manipulative and confusing. There is a common stereotype of the shouty angry abuser, however perpetrators will often use charm and target their partner with abuse that goes ‘under the radar’ of conscious awareness so that the survivor is left confused and inclined to self-blame or minimise their abuse. A perpetrator skilled in the art of coercive control will often leave the survivor imagining it’s their own fault that they’re feeling terrible in the relationship. Because of this very common subtlety, we need to be open and clear about what is happening in the language we use to describe abuse so that there is no place for the covert abuser to hide. There is some useful language that is used to describe this behaviour, however this language is not in common use so might be easily misunderstood. ‘Gaslighting’ is one such term (helpful in describing behaviour used by perpetrator’s to trick their victim into questioning their own judgments and believe they’re losing their memory or sanity – for example by constantly hiding car keys and pretending to be concerned when the survivor can’t find them). But until this term is in common use, it should always come with an explanation so as not to exclude those who may not understand.

“What we cannot name, we cannot see; what we cannot see, we cannot stop.” – Evan Stark

Problems with the use of street language

Street language has proliferated in domestic abuse circles, particularly in online chat groups in recent times. Whereas some street language can be helpful in naming specific types of abusive behaviour – for example ‘gaslighting’, it can also add to the confusion, especially as street language terms can change rapidly. DARVO, flying monkeys, microaggressions, love bombing, hoovering, stonewalling, future faking – it can be tricky to keep up with this ever evolving language which just adds to the confusion surrounding domestic abuse. Street language can be helpful, however it should never be presumed that everyone understands it and should always come with an explanation.

Street language can also trivialise the seriousness of domestic abuse and normalise it. It can be associated with joking about abuse – “he gave her a slap” or “he banged her up”, as opposed to correctly identifying that he assaulted her. When a couple explain to the police they were just “beefing”, this can again trivialise and downplay a violent situation. Street language can also shift blame towards victims of abuse – “he was mouthing off, no wonder he got slapped”.

So while it can sometimes be helpful in describing patterns of abuse we hadn’t previously got the language for – it’s important not to assume everyone has this new language. And we must be cautious of using street language that trivialises violence, normalises harm and weakens our understanding of the legal and moral seriousness of abuse.

Common misunderstanding of the term consent

Sometimes it’s the case that the correct term is in common use and has been for years – however it’s widely misunderstood. Consent is an example of such a term. Consent in the context of sexual activity means a person’s free and voluntary agreement to participate in that activity – the question of consent is generally of crucial importance in sexual abuse cases. Shockingly, 33% of people believe that sex under duress but without physical violence isn’t rape. (YouGov survey – for the End of Violence Against Women Coalition, 2018). What needs to be done in this case is to stop presuming that the word consent is understood in isolation, but a further explanation is needed to stop the perpetuation of myths and misunderstandings that only lead to victims being more vulnerable to abuse and perpetrators not held to account for their actions.

There needs to be a drive to make education on the subject of consent more widely available. The message needs to be simple and it needs to be continuously repeated. We need to start early and keep reinforcing the consent message.

Issues with correct terms being poorly understood

Certain forms of domestic abuse are not identified or recognised, despite there being language to describe such abuse. When the language is not widely understood, the abuse is likely to remain unidentified. Stealthing is such a term. This means the removal of a condom part way through intercourse when consent to intercourse was conditional on the use of the condom. This is a form of rape, so a very serious crime. The term stealthing was first used in 2017, however there seems to be very little knowledge of it. Are people likely to identify that they’ve been raped in this way when they don’t have the language for it? Unlikely it would seem. Perhaps this is partly why there have been so few convictions for stealthing as a form of rape.

Without the language for terms such as stealthing, victims are silenced, abuse is normalised, prevention and education are limited. Language doesn’t just describe reality – it creates it. Naming a type of abuse is pivotal in recognising, preventing and prosecuting it.

Improper use of terms

Sometimes a correct term is used to describe abusive behaviour, but the term is used too widely making it’s use inappropriate. The term ‘narcissist’ is one such term. Its use is so common that it is often used interchangeably with perpetrator, as if absolutely all perpetrators of abuse are narcissists. This is not true or helpful and leads to many people imagining they can diagnose personality disorders. The danger is that many perpetrators are not narcissists and do not have typical narcissistic traits – so their abuse might remain unidentified by those who believe that all abusers are narcissists.

Domestic abuse is about power and control, not just about personality type or mental health – making someone’s abusive behaviour seem like a mental illness is not

helpful because it moves responsibility away from an abuser’s conscious choices. It can also be unhelpful in that victims may not correctly identify that they’re being abused if their perpetrator doesn’t fit the classic character traits of a narcissist. We may also be inclined to ignore social norms that can lead to abusive behaviour such as sexism or entitlement, if our sole focus is on narcissists.

How can we communicate domestic abuse more clearly?

It’s vital that domestic abuse is communicated clearly, accurately, and respectfully using inclusive language that focuses on choice, control and accountability. Clear communication will destigmatise this form of abuse and help survivors to identify their experience and seek appropriate support. I wonder is Sally Challen would have been in a stronger position to understand what was happening to her a seek support if she was armed with a proper understanding of coercive control.

The following points summarise the important points we need to be mindful of when both talking and writing about domestic abuse –

· Use clear and factual language – for example – a relationship involving coercive control not a volatile relationship.

· Be cautious with the use of street language – if used, don’t presume knowledge but explain terms used clearly.

· Education is key – especially with concepts such as consent.

· Name all forms of abuse, not just the physical.

· Replace the term domestic violence with domestic abuse.

· Concentrate on what was done to the survivor rather than their reaction – he trapped her in an abusive relationship rather than she stayed with him for years.

· Use inclusive language – avoid stereotypes such as angry man or battered wife.

· Use empowering language – use the term survivor, not just victim.

“The way we talk about abuse shapes whether we see it at all. Language can either hide violence or make it visible.” End Violence Against Women Coalition UK