Covert Coercive Control

“Covert abusers don’t need to raise their voice; they raise your self-doubt.”

Coercive control can often be so subtle that a survivor may be confused about what is happening to them. The aim of the perpetrator is often to deliver the abuse under the radar of the survivor’s conscious awareness, often as micros aggressions – drip by drip. If the survivors tells others about what is happening they may be seen as complaining about nothing. Many perpetrators are skilled at this manipulative and carefully delivered subtle abuse which will in time break the survivors down so they are more easily controlled.

The term covert or vulnerable narcissist is used to describe a perpetrator who can present as withdrawn, anxious, self-critical, inferior, sensitive to the criticism of others and shy. These perpetrators are particularly skilled at using subtle abusive tactics. The abuser may be depressed and display frequent suicidal ideations and self-harm. This outer presentation is misleading, the covert narcissist generally wants what all abusive people desire: admiration, a sense of importance and power and control over their intimate partner. Their tactics are often more subtle, their behaviour misleading – the survivor is likely to be very confused by the mixed messages displayed. Covert narcissists are typically chronically envious, lack empathy, are hyper-sensitive to criticism, can seem self-absorbed and may favour spending time alone. Their abuse may take the form of sulking, passive aggression, gaslighting, belittling and humiliation directed at the survivor. The abuser might appear altruistic in a public setting but cruel behind closed doors. Because of the subtlety of the tactics, the survivor might be particularly conflicted and confused – more vulnerable to self-blame and they might find it very difficult to leave the relationship.

Not all domestic abusers are covert narcissists though but many still use subtle and covert tactics to abuse. They generally hope to disempowered and confuse their partner with the tactics which may include the following –

The ‘silent treatment’; This is an extreme form of passive aggression where the abuser withdraws communication and may even fail to give eye contact in order to demonstrate discontent. It’s a cruel form of manipulation designed to put the

perpetrator in a position of control while silencing the survivor so that they are unable to assert themselves. Attempts made by the survivor to communicate by any means are often met with contempt and silence. The survivor may begin to feel as if they don’t exist and feel utterly unworthy of their partner’s attention. They may not understand that this behaviour constitutes abuse.

Abusive withdrawal of intimacy. Sexual abuse is not always physical. It sometimes takes the form of the withdrawal of sexual and physical intimacy. This form of abuse can be crushing for the survivor and is designed to be so, it’s a form of passive aggression and a more covert form of abuse. Physical rejection of an intimate partner can lead to low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. The perpetrator may express revulsion about the survivor’s body and disgust if the survivor comes close. The perpetrator lie on the edge of the bed as if disgusted by the survivor’s proximity. This type of abuse can have a devastating effect on a survivor’s sense of self-worth. This type of sexual cruelty may not be identified by survivors or others as sexual abuse, meaning that their experience of abuse is often invalidated.

Encouraging dependence: Abusers seek to encourage dependence in their partners. They aim to cause feelings of vulnerability by systematically breaking down their partner’s confidence and self-worth and encouraging increasingly reliance on the perpetrator. The perpetrator may tell the survivor they want to look after them, there is no need for work, they are loved so much they don’t need their friends. Guilt tripping or sulking if the survivors goes out may cause enough discomfort that it becomes easier to stay in. These tactics may seem loving to a survivor early in the relationship, the menace in this behaviour not understood until it is too late.

‘Gaslighting’ (manipulation using psychological methods so the survivor questions their own sanity or reasoning). The perpetrator may ‘gaslight’ by questioning their partner’s memories, denying events, trivialising her feelings and misrepresenting situations to confuse and trick. This is an insidious form of psychological coercive control that will cause the survivor to question their perception, judgement and sanity. It is highly undermining and victims subjected to it might really believe they are losing their minds, find it difficult to make decisions and will question their own judgement.

Examples of gaslighting behaviour:

· Hiding items such as car keys and claiming the survivor is ‘losing it’ when they repeatedly can’t find things, expressing false concern that they’re suffering from early dementia.

· Claiming the survivor has forgotten important information given – when the information was never given in the first place.

· Seizing on any incident where the survivor has genuinely made a mistake and using it as evidence that they are not coping and can’t be trusted to manage things.

· Tipping sugar in the survivor’s casserole prior to the arrival of guests and behaving in a caring and concerned manner in front of the guests when the survivor becomes confused as to how it happened.

Future faking: ‘Future faking’ is the term used for when the abuser lies by promising things in the future to manipulate the intimate partner in the present. They may promise holidays and marriage with no intention of following through on these promises. They will make promises based on what they know will be very desirable to the partner. They tend to over promise and under deliver with the sole intention of getting what they want in the present.

“The cruellest control is often quiet whispered doubts, shifting stories, and invisible rules only the survivor is punished for breaking.”

Written by Sandra Reddish

If you have found this part of the blog helpful, please use the links below to find Sandra’s books on Amazon.

One in Four Women – understanding men’s domestic abuse and violence against women
Beyond the Break-up – understanding and surviving men’s domestic abuse and violence against women post-separation